We Are Not Sacred Vessels

We're people trying to live our own lives, even if our bodies are incubating new ones.

Dear

Alec Joseph Ott

and

David Swindle

,

I read with interest your recent Substack pieces on the state of the pro-life movement post-Dobbs, and what steps should be taken to prevent individual instances of abortion. My interest turned, however, to disappointment when I realized that Alec's piece did not, anywhere, contain the words “woman" or “women.” He does use the word “mother" - in his very last sentence. And while we don't see David refer to “mothers,” he does speak of “women:” exactly twice. Of course, the reason for that is not that more inclusive terms, like “pregnant people,” have been used instead. Rather, this glaring omission happened because it apparently never occurred to either writer to spare a paragraph for the needs and concerns of the people who will actually be giving birth. Nope, this version of the debate is ideology-only. Guys, you're talking over our heads.

I don't get all hyped up about patriarchy very often. But here's a situation where I will. Listening to this type of debate, about an issue that affects only bodies assigned female at birth, makes me feel that potential lives - those of fetuses - are valued more highly than the lives of the women who already exist. That sickens me. Further, I am not convinced that either of you, in drily reciting your moral or religious policy preferences, understands what it's like to be pregnant and scared.

Alec's piece casts doubt on the legitimacy of abortion “exceptions,” such as those for rape, incest, and cases of harm to the potential mother: he suggests these exceptions would send society down a slippery slope. And David characterizes such cases as vanishingly rare. Both of you assert that the best-case scenario would be for unprepared pregnant people to go through with their pregnancies, to give birth, and to then allow the infant to be placed for adoption.

Indeed, that would be lovely. But this can be a seriously unfair, even unsafe expectation.

Now, I believe abortions should be safe and legal for any reason through the first two trimesters. But for clarity, let's talk specifically about cases of rape, incest, and danger to the mother. These are some of the instances in which keeping abortion inaccessible would actually be dangerous, and not just, like, a total bummer that pulls the fire alarm on the non-stop party of a feckless single gal's lifestyle.

1.) Cases of rape are horrifically underreported. This means it's very difficult to accurately attribute any number of abortions to rape. No, it's not always admitted to, even - especially? - in a clinic setting. Why? Because admitting to a doctor that you've recently been raped sounds like the kind of thing that would kick off a big ordeal - a humiliating circus of he-said, she-said, nobody-really-knowsism in which every aspect of your conduct and character is ammunition for attack, while the man implicated is barely under scrutiny at all. This is the exact reason none of my rapes have been reported.

No, it's much easier to just keep your head down and mumble, “I'm not ready to be a mom.” It happens. I've known these women, and it happens.

2.) As hard as rape is to admit to - and that's when you're the victim, not the perpetrator! - outing yourself as a victim of incest that resulted in pregnancy has got to be exponentially more difficult.

So many of these victims are at an age where they can't even convey themselves to a doctor or clinic independently! Or if they could get a ride from an older friend, they're unsure of their insurance information (if any). They're depending on their parents. If the parent is not directly the abuser or the enabler, they likely have complicated feelings about the abuser - if an outraged parent were going to make a police report, that would generally have happened long before the appointments at the abortion clinic. If their pregnant minor child speaks up, the enabling parent could end up on the hook, too.

Then, of course, the victim will have complicated feelings about their abuser, too. It's terrifying to be 14 or 15 and have to decide whether to disclose information about abuse that could send a parent or other relative to jail, over the objection of other family members. Who could live with that kind of fallout? Most adults are not that self-possessed, never mind children.

So pregnancy as a result of incest happens, too. It's not always reported as it should be, either. Again, these victims are people I've known.

3.) The medical danger to a pregnant person can come in all kinds of forms. We are not just talking about rare birth defects in the fetus or health problems in the adult exacerbated or caused entirely by growing a being inside them.

Let's start with the first medical hurdle to keeping an unwanted pregnancy for the purpose of facilitating an adoption: money.

If you're on your parents' health insurance - I'm sorry; I just can't get these involuntarily pregnant teenagers out of my mind - or if you're old enough to have your own, it may or may not actually cover enough of your bills. Sometimes adoptive parents choose to cover healthcare of the birth mother, but what are you supposed to do if you're still selecting an adoptive family? Even if they're willing to reimburse you for past care, which isn't a guarantee, you do have to be able to make some gesture toward payment for the many doctor appointments you'll need to go to in order to assure an adoptive family of accurate information about their child's health.

It may be tough to imagine, but plenty of pregnant people - especially very young ones - just don't have the money or any idea where to get it. Not everyone knows that Planned Parenthood is free; not everyone has access to it or a similar free clinic.

So that means appointments don't get made. That's one way in which very concrete medical concerns aren't picked up on until it's very late in the game, at best.

A second serious medical problem I feel is being glibly shunted aside is the profound psychological effect of carrying an unwanted pregnancy. As David well knows, psychological problems are medical problems. Being coerced into carrying a child you don't want - who might, indeed, register as a literal and constant reminder of your rape - while you are drowning in a deluge of changing hormones sounds like a horrific misery. And that situation could prove every bit as life-threatening as an OR birth complication.

I have lived through the absolute terror of fearing that I had become pregnant after a rape. Luckily, I wasn't. But if I had been, despite the fact that I could have made some childless couple very happy by surrendering the child via adoption, I couldn't have continued the pregnancy. I had already decided that before I knew whether I was pregnant or not. Other people might be able to see such a pregnancy as something positive coming out of a horrific event. I congratulate them on that! I could come around to a similar optimistic, gratitude-based view if a piano fell on Dave, or if his PTSD had proven fatal, and I'd found myself alone and pregnant. But the first time I had to consider this, I was too young to be looking for hidden blessings: my brain was literally not mature enough. And I would have absolutely hated spending nine months with the growth inside me as a constant reminder of my trauma, while that trauma changed from a dreadful memory to a clump of cells to, eventually, a person.

And I'd have had to know that the being in there was half me and half my rapist. Of course, soul and personality make a person entirely themselves, but biologically, I would not have been able to let anything of my rapist take root inside me and flourish.

To be painfully, cringingly clear, I'm going to make you read the whole sentence: yes, I'm saying that if I'd been pregnant by rape and my choices were suicide or adoption, I would have killed myself.

It would have ruined my life. This despite the fact that, now, I would love to be a mother.

Other psychological situations precipitated or exacerbated by pregnancy that could be disastrous to an unwilling birth parent include gender dysphoria, postpartum depression, and postpartum psychosis. But again, conditions like “regular” ol' preeclampsia (which is life-threatening) and its ilk can be more deadly than they already are if the patient is unwilling or unable to receive regular care and monitoring.

Under the best of circumstances, when you finally get the two pink lines you've been praying for and everything is cotton-candy clouds and sunshine, pregnancy can cause the following effects - and, by the way, this certainly isn't a full list:

• Blurry or worsened vision

• Sciatica

• Loosened ligaments and joints

• Bleeding gums

• Fainting and dizziness

And, of course, giving birth can cause your body to tear - your tissue to actually rip - from the vagina to the anus. When this happens, a patient will receive stitches in the hospital, but will still go home leaking, uncomfortable, and fighting with the baby for diapers for quite awhile.

This is a lot of sacrifice to expect from someone who does not want to be a parent and is currently pregnant through no fault of their own - because, remember, we're still talking exceptions-only.

“But the human body is designed to give birth!” some will protest. Well, for one thing, some bodies can do it more easily than others, of course. Just because Rosario breezed through it, there's no reason to assume Ingrid will - even if they're sisters. For another thing, the human body is apparently also designed to develop cancer, but that doesn't mean it's no big deal.

Gents, I have barely covered the tip of the iceberg here in explicating why abortion should remain a safe, legal option, at least in cases of trauma. Maybe I'll return to the subject another time. But in the meantime, when you discuss the legality and morality of abortion, please make sure you're actively seeking out women's experiences and feelings.

Gone are the days, I sincerely hope, when a man faints dead away in the hospital room at the sight of crowning, while his partner has no choice but to summon the strength to keep pushing a brand-new human out of herself. Good: if men want to take a more active role in the experience and process of birth, they can start by being conscious for it.

But that also means being conscious not to talk over our heads.

Bleeding-heart liberal out - and sorry, Mom, if this post contained anything you didn't know! 😅

---