The Ultimate Controversial Opinion

It is, of course, about ice cream.

This Substack has treated you to a variety of so-called controversial opinions, primarily about pop culture but also about writing. Indeed, you’ve likely found something to disagree with.

I, however, can top them all, and I can do it with a list of one. I can unleash upon the internet a single opinion so repellent that virtually everyone disagrees with it. This opinion will test the limits of your tolerance, and you will discover whether or not you truly believe in a free and open exchange of ideas.

No trigger warning can possibly soften the blow, so here goes …

Ice cream is disgusting.

Photo by Heather Barnes on Unsplash

Yes, back during my misspent youth, I tasted this devil’s dessert, and frankly, I was not impressed.

You might suggest, “But maybe you haven’t tasted the right ice cream.”

And maybe you haven’t tasted the right broccoli. But at least broccoli, for all its innumerable sins, contains nutritional value. Ice cream lacks a single redeeming quality, save perhaps that some ice cream shops smell vaguely pleasant. Alas, the aroma lies. Don’t let Big Ice Cream tempt you with its empty calories.

True, life would be easier if I surrendered, if I regarded ice cream’s near-universal acclaim as proof of some strange error on my part. Certainly, I would have done a better job of blending in during all those ice cream parties back in grade school, where I was often forced to stand on principle and out myself as an enemy of all flavors of ice cream. The alternative—allowing my tongue to establish physical contact with this noxious substance—was unthinkable.

For many years, people have pitied me for my dislike of ice cream, treating me as though my taste buds were afflicted with a tragic disability that prevents me from living life to the fullest. But am I the one to be pitied? Perhaps I should pity the world for falling into the clutches of this sinister snack, this dastardly dairy.

Though I stand alone, I will continue to stand against ice cream.

You all may argue about your own controversial opinions, but never forget the common ground you share: opposition to my controversial opinion.

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