The Healing - A Short Story

A young couple learns that their pasts have a tragic similarity

As it was a fine Saturday afternoon, Terry and Jim decided to park Jim’s Cherokee and walk along the Potomac on the waterfront park. Thus lighthearted, the couple, both in their mid-30s, strolled along and enjoyed the scenery. Across the river, the prosperous, reflective, gray buildings of Rosslyn, Virginia intruded upon its banks. Small motorboats darted about upriver, in the distance. Two-engine jet airliners flew past on a continuous cycle on approach to Reagan National. It was a thoroughly lovely early-fall day in a beautiful city.

Terry fit in well with the city’s young and hip population. She was thin and buff with long, shapely legs, which she showed off in her workout capris and Nikes. She was pretty, with strikingly large blue eyes and lipstick-enhanced red lips. Her blonde hair was styled and smooth, in near complete control around her shapely face. The culture here suited her; she wasn’t a big fan of all the politics, but she was in union with the progressive world-view that permeated the area. She worked for a law firm as a paralegal while her parents, now divorced for many years, had been life-long government workers.

Jim, on the other hand, also fit the parts externally—he was considered a good-looking guy among his peers—he was just over six feet, athletic with a boyish face more in tune to a 90’s rock band than a Clint Eastwood film. But his cultural and religious values were practically anathema to the youthful culture here. He did not worship at the house of youthful vigor, nor did he buy into the inclusive and politically correct secular worldview that local culture would have ascribed to a man of his education, profession, and age. He was, if one could countenance it, a regular church-attending Catholic and a registered Republican (not even a Libertarian!). He was originally from Cincinnati and had only moved to the District about two years ago.

Jim worked for the same law firm as Terry, which was how they met. Jim, an associate attorney, when first dating her, worked his charms with Terry long and hard before making the big reveal about his true nature as a conservative. But by then it was too late, as Jim had plotted and connived, Terry was already quite taken with him and had decided she could look past this defect in his character. Besides, she had already suspected him of not being quite the same as her other friends and associations. When her friends, when they found out about it, asked how she could possibly be going out with a man like this, her repeated refrain was that he was not like other conservatives at all. (She didn’t really know any other conservatives, but it was as good an answer as she could come up with.)

Jim was actually a wonderful boyfriend. He was funny, usually cheerful, as well as thoughtful and respectful. He was a complete gentleman, always careful with his hands, even his eyes. In the three months that they had been dating, he was romantic and they often kissed, but it never went too far. And Terry was becoming increasingly bothered as to why that might be. Simply put, it was not normal for a handsome man his age to avoid sex, she concluded, even if he was a devout Catholic from Cincinnati! Was he impotent and didn’t want to tell her? Was he gay? Or was it even possible he was still a virgin?

As they continued their stroll, a young mother with a child walked past them. Terry saw how Jim watched them as they passed. The mother was pretty, but Jim appeared to be focusing his attention on the tow-haired little boy, who was probably two or three years of age. Terry was surprised at Jim’s continued interest in these passersby as he made a point of turning and watching them as mother and child continued along the path in the other direction.

After this, Jim became silent and solemn for the rest of their walk. He was pleasant, but clearly his light mood had darkened to a browner tone. After retrieving the Cherokee, they went to dinner in Georgetown, and later to a movie. After a stop for a drink or two, they went back to Terry’s apartment. Terry insisted that he come in for a while. He agreed but dropped her off at her apartment house while he hunted for a parking space. After going upstairs, Terry unlocked her apartment’s door to find it unlit and empty. This was indeed a rarity when all of her three roommates were not home.

Jim arrived about ten minutes later. “Boy, I had a dickens of a time finding a spot!” he said as he came through the door. “I think I could’ve taken a cab back, the walk was so long!”

“We have the place to ourselves tonight,” Terry informed him.

“Really?” Jim replied. “Even Wendy’s gone?” Wendy was the main homebody of the roommates. Her social life was spent primarily at her school's library.

“Even Wendy,” Terry replied. “Are you okay with staying anyway?” she asked with a twinge of annoyance at him. It had never been a spoken matter, but Jim had always been noticeably uncomfortable when he was with her alone in the apartment. Jim did not reply immediately. He seemed undecided. “Look,” Terry said, annoyance starting to get the better of her, “we’re not children here. We can be alone together, you know.”

“I know that…”

“This is ridiculous! You act like you’re afraid of being with me alone!”

“Not at all,” Jim protested.

“It’s like you keep extending your arm at me," she exploded, “as if you don’t want to get too close!” When Jim glanced down at the floor with a troubled expression, this gave Terry pause. Regretting her annoyance, she went to him and touched his arm. “Come on in, then, and sit down,” she suggested.

She had him sit on the couch while she retrieved two beer bottles from the refrigerator. She returned and sat down tightly next to him. While still silent, he took her cue and put his arm around the back of the couch, behind her neck. “Alright, time now to come clean,” she ordered. “You’ve been moody ever since our walk in the park. What is up with you?”

A few minutes later he spoke. “I had this dream once years ago,” Jim began. “I had it only once, but it was one of those dreams that sticks with you, and you keep thinking about it over and over.” 

He paused to compose himself before continuing. “I’m walking about this little town enjoying myself looking around. It’s a normal day there, other people are walking about. Then I see this little boy wandering around. He’s probably two years old. He is all by himself just wandering around. Concerned that he’s lost I go up to him. ‘Are you lost?’ I ask him, and he looks up at me with these great blue eyes and cute little nose and smiles. He doesn’t reply; he just takes my hand. And we go walking, and I'm growing very attached to him. But I keep thinking—I’ve got to find his parents. We walk into a bank along the way, and I ask one of the tellers if anyone there knew who he was, but no one knew him. Then someone calls the police. The next thing I know is I’m helping the little boy climb into the police car.”

Jim’s eyes were getting moist, and his throat started to stiffen and grow hoarse as he continued. “He’s sitting in the back seat—his little legs too small for his feet to extend over the side. He’s looking at me. He’s not smiling or crying, just looking at me. I close the car door and the police car drives off. I can just see the top of his little head in the back window as the car drives away. When he’s gone out of sight, I finally realize that he’s mine—he was my own little boy!” Jim put his free hand to his eyes and wiped away at the wetness.

Not completely understanding why, Terry was moved with him, and her eyes moistened. “But it was too late,” Jim continued, “he was gone. Gone and I was never going to find him again,” Jim gasped out. Now embarrassed, he pulled his arm from around her and pressed the inside of his elbow over his eyes. Terry held on to him more firmly in response. After a time, she spoke up. “That’s so sad,” she said softly. “But it’s only a dream, right? Why does it make you so sad?”

“I know why,” Jim replied, his eyes still covered.

“Will you tell me?”

“I’m a little afraid to tell you, actually,” Jim replied as he dropped his arm. “But I suppose I must now. You need to know about it, and then you can really decide…about me.”

“Whatever it is, you can tell me,” Terry said encouragingly, but inside doubts and fears were beginning to clutch at her recesses. Perhaps, it hit her, she did not really want to know what was he going to say. 

“I think I mentioned to you once that I knew a girl in college,” Jim began. “Her name was Julia. We were both in pre-law at the University of Cincinnati. We started out as friends and went out with a bunch of us in, you know, group dates. You know how it goes, we sometimes, well, we sometimes hooked up, you know.”

So—Terry noted to herself with some relief—he was not a virgin, impotent, or gay. But there was still something wrong. She listened anxiously and intently for the answer.

“We started liking each other, and we started doing things together outside of the group. One day—we were quite close to graduating—she came to me and told me she was pregnant." Jim stopped there to give this revelation the pause it deserved.

“It felt like the world was collapsing around me,” he added a moment later. Listening intently, Terry’s stomach tightened uncontrollably. “And what did I do?” Jim continued. “I shut down. I was scared; I said some vague, meaningless things like it would be okay, it would all work out.”

Terry, who had been holding his arm until now, let go and arched forward, placing her arms between her knees. Her stomach was now stirring quite unpleasantly.

“I made my excuses and left, telling her I would call her later. Well, I did try to call her, but I could never get through. Either she would not answer or her roommate would pick up, telling me she was out. I finally went to see her at her dorm room, but she would not open the door enough to let me in. Her roommate came out, closing the door behind her and confronted me in the hallway. She informed me that Julie did not want to see me. She then stated proudly that she and her other friends had taken Julia to a clinic on Auburn Avenue that very day. She had an abortion.”

“It was her choice,” Terry broke in reflexively. Her queasiness had now transformed into an outright churning in her stomach. “Yes, it was,” Jim agreed, “and I led her right into it. She felt scared and unloved, and I did nothing. I didn’t love her enough—and she knew it.”

“What happened to her?” Terry asked in a strained tone, her head now feeling too heavy to hold up. “I met with her alone again only once,” Jim answered. “I apologized to her again, but it meant nothing. I even offered to pay for what she had spent on the abortion. She sharply refused. She went on with her life. She attended UC Law School, and I went south to Louisville. She’s a lawyer in Cincinnati, and married now, I think.”

“But then, what’s the problem?” Terry protested. “I mean, you went on with your lives.”

“We did,” Jim responded, “but my regret at hurting her will stay with me for the rest of my life.” Jim noticed now that Terry was no longer holding his arm and was physically pulling away from him on the couch. He could see she was quite upset already, but he had to finish. “But there’s more to it,” he continued. “You remember that little boy we saw walking in the park this afternoon?”

“Yes,” Terry said, noticeably distressed.

“He reminded me of my dream. That little boy in my dream was the son I should have had, and I did lose him—forever.” At these words, Terry’s pent-up emotions opened wide the flood gates within her, and she wept bitterly into her hands. “I didn’t want to tell you, but you needed to know about it,” he added uselessly.

After a time, when she was able to get out a few words, she spoke up. “I’m not feeling well. I think you’d better go now.”

It was now Jim's turn to feel sick to his stomach as that now familiar feeling came upon him that his world was unraveling, but he braved on. “I know it’s a bad time to tell you now, but I’ve got to tell you: I love you. I love you with all my heart. I know I’m not worthy of loving you, but I am.” With no other response from her but continued sobbing, he stood up. “I’m sorry I put you through this,” he added. His apology sounded as weak as the one he gave to Julie all those years ago.

“Just let yourself out,” Terry said, getting up. “I’m going to be sick.”

“But, will you be okay?” Jim asked anxiously. “I don’t want to leave you…”

“I’ll be fine,” she insisted, as she made her way to a dark hallway, clutching her abdomen. “Just go!”

Jim could do nothing else but comply with her wishes. As she hurried to the bathroom, he left the apartment and closed the door behind him. Wanting to secure the door, he realized that he could not set the deadbolt from outside and could only use the doorknob to lock the door. He hoped this would be enough and left. This also felt oddly reminiscent of his last encounter with Julia. It was not enough.

 ---

The next day was Sunday. After a night's sleep, Jim's initial gloom over losing Terry forever had dissipated into a glimmer of hope. Even before getting out of bed, he picked up his iPhone and called her number. It went immediately to her voice mail. Thinking quickly about what to say, he said he hoped they would meet as usual at their favorite coffee shop at 10 a.m. After attending the 9:00 Mass at St. Matthews, he went there immediately. She was not there.

Nervous jolts swirled in his bowels as he purchased two cups to go. After parking the Cherokee and spending what seemed like an eternity walking and riding in the elevator, he finally made it to Terry's door and knocked. Her roommate Wendy answered the door, wearing only shorts and a tank top. “Hi, Wendy,” Jim said immediately, after realizing he had left the coffees in his car. “Is Terry here?”

“Terry?” Wendy replied in a perplexed tone. “No, I don’t think so.” The jolts that attacked his bowels now started stabbing at his heart. Jim pressed her. “Do you mind if I come in and check?” he said. “She was sick last night, and I want to make sure she’s okay. I couldn't reach her by phone.” Wendy had met Jim on several occasions, but still showed a certain reluctance in letting him in. “Um, well, I guess so," she replied, relenting.

With an urgency building within him, it took some self-control to wait for her to step aside and let him past. After she did so, he bounded to the apartment's rear to Terry's bedroom and knocked. After hearing no response and knocking again, he tried the doorknob. Finding it unlocked, he stepped into the dim room and could just make out her bed. As his eyes grew more accustomed to the low light, he could now make out a definite bump under the covers. “Terry,” he called softly. He moved closer and could now hear her breathing heavily in sleep. “Terry?” he repeated. After a moment she finally stirred and turned over on her back. “I was worried. You weren’t at the coffee shop, and I was getting your voice mail.”

“Oh, yeah,” Terry replied groggily. “I forgot to charge my phone—it was on life support.”

“Are you okay?” Jim asked. “I dropped a load on you last night.”

“I had a bad night,” Terry said. “I threw up a couple of times. I ate something that didn’t agree with me.”

Wendy, who had followed Jim, lingered in the bedroom doorway. "False alarm," Jim said to her reassuringly, "her phone was dead.”

“Can I make you some chicken soup, or something?” she asked Terry.

“You're sweet, but no thanks,” Terry replied with strained vocal cords. “My stomach couldn't handle it.” After Wendy had left, Terry spoke again. “I am sick, but I think you lowered my defenses.”

“I’m so sorry,” Jim said, “I understand if you want to stop seeing me.”

“Stop it!” she commanded. She sat up and turned on the lamp next to her bed. With the room lit, Jim could see her better now, and she was in an awful state. Her tanned face was pale, and her eyes and nose were red from the strain of emotion. Her hair was tossed in every direction in an unflattering fashion. He sat down on the bed and took her hand and held it.

“We’ve all done things we regret,” Terry said. “What happened to you reminded me of another guy I used to know. He was in the same situation that you were in—his girlfriend was pregnant, and they both weren’t ready to be parents. They had careers they wanted to follow. But this guy pretended that he cared—he even drove her to the abortion clinic. He stayed in the lobby while they performed the procedure. He even drove her home afterwards. But it turned out he didn’t love her any more than you loved your Julia. They broke up after the abortion, and he went on his way.” Terry looked into Jim’s eyes as fresh tears began to flow from hers. “And I went my way.”

The realization hit Jim like a boxing glove. “Oh my God,” he said, as his own tears blurred his sight. He pulled her close to him and hugged her with all his might. After a few moments, he pulled back and looked into her eyes again.

“Your story brought it all to the surface,” she said, “and I had to face it again.”

“Terry, I’m so sorry.”

“Now I'll ask you,” Terry stated. “Do you still want to keep seeing me?”

“I love you,” Jim said resolutely.

She sat back on her pillow, a little dazed. “But, do you love me more than you did Julie?” she asked doubtfully.

“I want to marry you, and be with you for the rest of my life,” he said, squeezing her hand tightly. “I want to be a father to your babies and love them too with all my heart.”

“But can it work between us?” she asked doubtfully.

He looked at her lovely face intently. “Yes, by doing together something that we both need very much—”

“Learning to forgive ourselves,” she said in perfect line with his thoughts.

 --

Jim took Terry to St. Matthews for Mass a few weeks later. She tried to pay attention to the ceremony, but kept catching her mind wandering. Through no intentional effort of her own, she kept picturing the small face of a blue-eyed girl smiling back at her. Warm feelings came all over her each time it happened. After a while, she tried to make a better effort to follow the liturgy. She looked up at the altar just as the priest was raising up the consecrated host for the first time, and all at once a realization hit her: she knew for certain now that when people died, they didn't just go out of existence. There was a life after this one, she now felt with certainty. That meant that everyone who died were indeed alive somewhere. That meant everyone, including those who never made it all the way to birth. Even they were alive in the hereafter.

And with that, she realized that the child she aborted, while gone from this world, was indeed alive somewhere. At that instant, the image of the smiling, blue-eyed girl appeared again in her mind. Terry wondered whether she would ever be able to tell her she was sorry. She followed this thought with a little prayer, and continued it until Jim came back to their seat after getting communion.

 --

“You never replied when I told you I loved you and wanted to marry you, you know,” Jim said as he stopped his Cherokee to drop her off that night. He was double-parked in front of her building.

“No, I didn’t,” Terry replied coyly.

A horn beeped behind them. Jim was blocking the right lane. “Well?” he asked with a smile. The horn blared again.

“I’m not about to answer with that jerk behind us,” she stated. “We’ll talk later.” She pecked him on the lips and got out, just as the beeping car went around them.

“See you tomorrow,” Jim yelled before driving off. “I’ll be here to pick you up.”

 --

That night Terry had a dream. She was walking in the most beautiful garden she had ever seen. Flowers and fruit trees and grass and every find of wonderful green foliage surrounded her. The beauty was indescribable, and she knew she could not even retain a memory of how wonderful it was. Then she saw something that caused her heart to leap with joy. A young boy and girl strolled towards her hand-in-hand. They were both tow-haired and blue-eyed. When they got close, the little girl sprang to Terry and hugged her with all her might. Terry felt love itself enveloping her. “Forgive yourself, Mom,” the girl said.

“You love me!” Terry cried out with wonderful tears of joy. She wanted to hold onto her forever. But the girl had to let go of her, and she rejoined the boy.

“Tell my dad we’re here!” he said.

“I will,” Terry replied. She woke up and immediately dialed Jim’s number on her now fully-charged phone. At his groggy hello (it was 4:30 a.m., after all), she finally told him the truth.

“My answer is, yes, and I love you.”

The End