The Great Disappearance, Part V
It only gets weirder as the world grapples with the disappearance of every Jew on the planet.
Editor’s Note: Please see Part I, Part II, Part III, and Part IV of this ongoing satirical fiction series.
Tuesday, April 4
Immaculate Circumcision
Martin Connelly woke up after a night of sleep plagued by some very strange and disturbing dreams. He was clutching his groin in terror and pain.
“Jesus Christ,” he said as he crawled off his bed and onto the floor. He thought back to the previous night for anything that would explain the agony he felt in his groin. He ruled out STDs because it had been a while since he had been intimate with anyone. The pain faded quickly.
“And I didn’t go out drinking last night so why does my head hurt?” he asked to no one in particular.
He stood before the toilet to urinate and as he looked down, he saw that he had been circumcised. His foreskin had disappeared. There was no wound or blood. Whenever it had happened, it had miraculously healed since then.
“What the hell?” he said. “When did this happen?”
He walked back into his bedroom to look for blood on his sheets or even a blade of some sort. He found nothing. He thought about going to the hospital to get himself looked at but couldn’t think of a way to explain what happened that wouldn’t get him put into a locked ward, so he abandoned the idea.
He walked back into the bathroom to start shaving. As he opened the medicine cabinet where he kept his straight edge razor, he saw a mark on his forehead and screamed.
An hour later, he was conducting a live stream with a watch cap pulled down to just over his eyes.
“Folks, a few days ago, I told you how happy I was that the Jews have disappeared from the planet,” he said. “The problem is that their influence is now felt more painfully now that they’ve disappeared. We are still subject to their malign influence. And here’s proof.”
He pulled off his cap to show a constellation of veins coalesced on his forehead that formed a blue Star of David.
“Yes, I know what it is,” he said after seeing people posting in the comments section. “It’s the Jewish Star of David. “I haven’t a clue how it got there, but I know one thing, the Jews are responsible for this. They did this. I had nothing to do with this.”
Within moments, screenshots of Connelly with the star on his forehead appeared on social media with all sorts of hashtags, the most popular being “Whoisthechamelonnow?”
When the usual suspects — some of whom had been on his show — called for Connelly to be placed under lock and key. He went into hiding in a monastery on the outskirts of London. The abbot, who had been the headmaster of a boy’s school where Connelly had studied in his youth, took him in.
