How Trump's Plan to Remove 2.23 Million People from Gaza Will Work

Where are they all going to go?

President Donald J. Trump’s provocative statement that he wants the United States to take control of the Gaza Strip and remove its 2.23 million Palestinian inhabitants has drawn a variety of confused, angry, and even horrified reactions.

On Tuesday, Trump said during a press conference with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, “The U.S. will take over the Gaza Strip and we will do a job with it too.” He said, “We’ll own it and be responsible for dismantling all of the dangerous unexploded bombs and other weapons on the site, level the site and get rid of the destroyed buildings.”

On the question of whether this would involve U.S. troops, Trump responded, “As far as Gaza is concerned, we’ll do what is necessary. If it’s necessary, we’ll do that. We’re going to take over that piece that we’re going to develop it.”

Our Commander-in-Chief has clarified his plan to assure everyone that he will not need to deploy any of our fine men and women in uniform.

He published this on his “Truth Social” website at 3:32 a.m. this morning:

The Gaza Strip would be turned over to the United States by Israel at the conclusion of fighting. The Palestinians, people like Chuck Schumer, would have already been resettled in far safer and more beautiful communities, with new and modern homes, in the region. They would actually have a chance to be happy, safe, and free. The U.S., working with great development teams from all over the World, would slowly and carefully begin the construction of what would become one of the greatest and most spectacular developments of its kind on Earth. No soldiers by the U.S. would be needed! Stability for the region would reign!!!

There are two obvious challenges with relocating the entire Palestinian population of Gaza to somewhere else:

First, where exactly are they supposed to go? The leaders of Jordan, Egypt, and other Arab states in the region have made abundantly clear for decades that they do not want them.

Second, how would Trump force people to leave against their will?

This sentiment seemed apt:

No U.S. troops would be needed to push millions of people off of land their families have inhabited for generations?

Really?

Really.

It turns out that the administration has already started development of a project which will solve both of these seemingly intractable problems.

Back on Jan. 21, Trump announced the funding of “a joint venture investing up to $500 billion for infrastructure tied to artificial intelligence by a new partnership formed by OpenAI, Oracle and SoftBank. The new entity, Stargate, will start building out data centers and the electricity generation needed for the further development of the fast-evolving AI in Texas, according to the White House. The initial investment is expected to be $100 billion and could reach five times that sum.”

Those who thought this plan merely involved building new data centers for running and training AI clearly did not pay attention to the name the administration selected:

Stargate

I assume that everyone is familiar with the 1994 Kurt Russell film?

See, this is very simple.

The federal government is funding artificial intelligence in order to create full-fledged Stargate portal technology.

How do you think AI actually works? Why might it cost so damn much?

Because what’s really happening now with ChatGPT is that the request you’re typing into the app—an answer to a question about a movie or a demand for a goofy image—is being sent into an alternate dimension. It’s not that some sophisticated computer program is figuring out the most likely letter to come next. It’s that, on another planet much like our own, there is a giant army of slaves strapped to computers, forced to manually research, code, or digitally draw whatever you ask for.

However, as AI demand increases, that means that the number of enslaved people forced to answer our inane questions will need to grow, too. And who’s going to do this work?

Whoever President Trump finds most annoying at any given time.

So, according to my confidential sources within the federal government, the forced relocation of Gazans will go down like this:

Modified Cybertrucks connected to Space-X’s Starlink satellites will drive around Gaza with giant vacuum cleaners fitted with Stargates. They will suck people in, shoot them off to another dimension to slave away in digital salt mines, and then voila, construction can begin on Gaz-A-Lago.

However, understand that this is just the initial test stage of the Stargate project. Following the successful enslavement of every Palestinian, then others irritating Trump will follow. The Starlink-Stargate-Cybertrucks will deploy across America to suck up transgender student athletes, DEI departments, illegal immigrants, people who put their pronouns in their emails, liberal women who just won’t shut their goddamn mouths, and most definitely the entire staff of

The Bulwark

.

So there you go. Simple. Problem solved. Now everyone can just go back to making their silly, surreal AI images and totally forget that some crying child chained to a computer in an alternate dimension is working very hard to draw them, worried that if you give the image a thumbs-down, they’ll get another electric shock.

Look, I made a cute AI cartoon of Thoth—the ancient Egyptian god of language, writing, magic, medicine, and much more—who is laughing his ass off at you. He must have wandered out of the Stargate …

---