How Dog Governments Work
An interview with our 2-year-old boxer Jasmine Louise Zipporah Swindle about her upcoming presidential administration.
Our dog Jasmine informed us this morning that the previous dog president of our street chose to resign last night and she in turn, declared her intent to take over his position, to which the 10 or so other dogs on the street barked their agreement. Apparently every street has its own “dog president.” Who knew?
Sally and I decided to interview the president-elect about the policies which she intended to enact.
Sally: “Alright Jasmine, can you tell me about this plan of yours? … Yes, this is for a blog post.”
Jasmine: “Well, I don’t like people driving on my road. So I have decided they can only drive here if they bring me chicken nuggets when they pass my house.”
Sally: “What do you mean ‘your road’?”
Jasmine: “Well, it’s my road that I live on.”
Sally: “Jasmine, you know that the road belongs to the town of Yucca Valley, right? And everyone who lives here has the right to drive on it.”
Sally chuckles.
Jasmine: “But I didn’t say they can drive past my house.”
Sally: “Don’t you think every other dog here feels the same way and it’s not really your road and the road doesn’t belong to any of you?”
Jasmine: “Hang on while I pounce on this squirrel.”
Sally: “You can’t pounce on it, you can’t go through the door… He does know that! He’s just trying to have lunch. And you can’t say he’s trespassing, he’s eating the food you put out so you invited him. Young lady. You are being interviewed. Come here. Jasmine, part of being president is having a press conference. Puppy sit.”
OK, continue.
Jasmine: “Well, it’s my road, though.”
Sally: “Why is it more your road than anyone else’s, any other dog?”
Jasmine: “Because I am the one who pays the most attention to incoming threats like the mailman or a salesperson.”
Sally: “Oh, alright. So tell me about this chicken nugget policy.”
Jasmine: “People who live here can drive on my road only if they bring me chicken nuggets when they pass my house. If they bring me 5 chicken nuggets, I will let them pass.”
Sally: “Do you have anything else to say about that?”
Jasmine: “It’s like they’re paying me.”
Sally: “You expect people to just have chicken nuggets to pay you?”
Jasmine: “Maybe they’re going to have to leave their house, get chicken nuggets, then come back to me and pay me and then they can go on wherever they were going.”
Sally: “How are you going to manage that, Jasmine?”
Jasmine: “Well, they can pick up a piece of paper from me that lets them go to the chicken nugget store and come back. Then they give both to me and I let them go to the rest of their places.”
Sally: “I’m sorry, but how on earth do you expect to enforce this, Jasmine? It’s worth pointing out that while you can talk, you cannot read or write and not everyone can hear you when you talk.”
Jasmine: “Simple. I will tell the other puppies and they will tell their parents.”
Sally: “Jasmine, most people don’t take orders from dogs. And I’m not sure the other dogs can tell their parents.”
Jasmine: “They’ll find a way.”
OK!
Sally: “So do these other dogs get a cut of the chicken nuggets to make them more motivated to help you?”
Sally cackles.
Jasmine: “I don’t really feel like giving them any.”
Sally: “Then why would they tell their parents this, about this policy?
Jasmine: “Because I’m the president and they have to do what I say.”
Sally: “This sounds more like the act of a dictator.”
Jasmine: “Well, OK, maybe for every 10 chicken nuggets I earn, they will get 1.”
Sally: “But Jazzy, there’s like 10 of them or 12 of them, so it takes so many chicken nuggets for each dog to even get one.”
Jasmine: “Well, they are not the president. And besides, they can get chicken nuggets from their own parents.”
Sally: “So can you!”
Jasmine: “Not enough.”
Sally: “So is the goal here to bring in chicken nuggets? Or is the goal to reduce ‘trespassers’ on your road? And we can put ‘trespassers’ in quotes.”
Jasmine: “Well, I hope that people leave my house alone, but if they don’t feel like it, I can at least have chicken nuggets.”
Sally: “Oh, ok, this is new.”
Jasmine: “The trash monster and anyone without a car have to pay twice the number of chicken nuggets.”
[Note: the “trash monster” is what she calls the garbage truck. She thinks that it is alive and eats the garbage.]
Sally: “So when does this policy go into effect?”
Jasmine: “I guess Monday.”
Sally: “Sounds like Mom and Dad are trespassing on her territory.”
Jasmine: “It’s OK. You can go get me chicken nuggets.”
