Extreme Home Makeover: Canine Edition

Featuring the work of renowned interior dog-corator Jasmine Swindle!

Hey! Hey! Mom! Mom! DADDYYY!! Daddydaddydaddydaddydaddy! Omigosh, I'm so excited! You guys are going to love this! Seriously, what would you do without me? I know, I'm the light of your lives, aren't I? I'm amazing! *runs around us in three circles at breakneck speed*

*comes to screeching halt; pants heavily*

Are you guys ready to see what I did? Okay, bus driver - move that bus!

Mostly because I'm terrified of large vehicles - but also so you can see your brand! new! apartment!

Seriously - please move the bus now. I'm very frightened of it. Thank you!

Ta-da! Okay! Let's start with the outside. I decided to focus on the yard. You'll notice that, in the space of just a few hours, I've decorated it with dozens of stinky little brown lumps. See, even right next to the patio furniture! No space is too small to showcase my signature style.

I knew you'd love it! Let's take a look inside.

Okay, now we're in the living room. As you can see, I've taken some liberties here, but trust me - I had a vision for the space, and I think it came together nicely.

First, I liked the bead curtain you guys put up in that hallway, but it was too long. So I went ahead and ate the bottom foot or so off of it! See how it opens up the space?

Next, I concentrated on opening up these spaces you have covered with area rugs. It was so plain! I thought I'd, well, Jazz it up a little!

I decided to artistically place random chewed-off bits of my toys at impactful intervals around the rugs. See? Look at all these little bits of rope, silicone, fabric, and, of course, the stuffing from my disemboweled plushies.

Oops, careful, Mom! I also placed my full-size toys around, like that Bene-bone you just tripped on. Well, I said they were placed at the most impactful spots - haha!

She's fine, Daddy. Daddy! Pay attention to meee, not Mommy!

If you look over here on the couch, I've left a few spots of drool, just to zhuzh things up a little. Oh! And I made you a customized, one-of-a-kind coffee table! See my beautiful teef marks I added here, on this corner?

After I did that, things still looked a little plain. So I went ahead and left a few surprise puddles of barf for you - you know, just to add little pops of color here and there! No, no, I feel fine - the barfs are presents!

You know, you could at least say "thank you."

Anyway. Coming into the kitchen, you'll see that I've scattered the contents of my food bowl across the floor for maximum dramatic effect!

Eat it? Eat my food? Gosh ... I guess I could, but doesn't it look so much nicer this way?

For good measure, I've also scooted my butt all over this nice white rug you had. And, speaking of butts, let's check out the bathroom!

You guys nevereverever let me come in here, so it was a real treat to work my magic in this room! I started with that unsightly plastic thing full of white rolls. Something had to be done about that - so look! I turned it into snow! It's beautiful! Remember, "snow," from that one time when we stayed at Grandma and Grandpa's house and it was winter and it was really col -

Mommy! Stop screaming! What? What did I do wrong?

Ooh - OK. Yeah, no, I can see why you might rather I didn't ... I see. Well, I didn't know that! Jeez! Sor-RY!

What does "expensive" even mean, anyway? That doesn't even sound like a real word.

... Oh. Well, I'm sure I saved us a ton of money by converting this cold white chair into a drinking fountain! You just have to keep the top open and the door open and -

What? What do you mean, "not allowed?" Pffft. Oh, fine, but hey: I would remind you two that this home makeover was a present to you. The show could've gone with plenty of other couples. I bet they'd appreciate my work properly.

So let's come see Daddy's office. Of course, the main thing in here is a bunch of bookshelves. I think you have way too many of those. I really wanted to eat some of these older books that kind of smell weird, but - hey! Hey! I said I wanted to, but I didn't, OK? Calm down!

Actually, I didn't make many changes in here. I did eat a huge hole out of the very center of this yoga mat, though! You're welcome!

And in the bedroom - here, here is where I have made my influence felt most strongly. I'm not gonna lie - I'm really, really proud of my work in this room.

First, I have taken control of your beanbag the size of a Fiat. It's mine now. I know you got me a crate, and I know it's actually here in the bedroom, too, but I sleep on the beanbag now. So you'll want to just keep that in mind.

Oh, you can still lie on it sometimes! If you ask me permission.

Next I went through some of your stuff. Both of you have way too many socks! I went ahead and took care of some of that for both of you; I ate every sock I could find. That thins out the collection a little bit!

Mom, I also made sure to chew up every bobby pin I could get ahold of. Your sleep mask, too. See how nice the soggy little scraps of pink satin look, all spread around?

What else? Oh: I left a few throw-ups on the carpet in here, too, just to break up this boring grayish-blue carpet. Look how the red food coloring from my little steak bites really pulls the eye!

And that brings me to my finishing touch.

I know you guys are all hippie-dippy, woo-woo weirdos, so I tried to channel that. I saged the house just a little bit ago, to bring good vibes to our first day in the redecorated place! And it worked!

Now, Mom, I know you usually sage by lighting the little bundle of sage and walking around the house with it, praying and saying nice stuff. My method was a little different: I opted, instead, to ingest the smudge stick, and then I went around barfing it up in different little tucked-away places!

No, I'm not going to tell you where! The little piles of barf will stay where they are until, two hours or two months from now, you step in them by accident! And when you do, you'll get a fun, sweet little reminder of my wishes for peace and happiness in this apartment.

I know - it's brilliant!

You're overcome. I knew it. I knew you'd love my vision for the place just as much as I do.

Ooh. Urrrrghh. Mom? Dad? You just stay here and keep taking it all in - I just realized I have one little place left to sage. Uhhh - I'll be right back.