An Ancient Egyptian Deity's Take on Trump's Mandate

The wise learn to laugh.

I'm sure that almost none of you are going to take this seriously, that you will just classify this perspective as me being satirical again. But I assure you that is not the case. I am not joking here about what has actually happened the last few days.

Sally Shideler

traveled to Indiana last week to visit family. It's just Jasmine and me here at the apartment until next Wednesday. Or, well, that was the plan. But the other night that all changed.

As an occultist for 20 years now, it seemed like a good time for a ritual to encourage an upbeat mood and productivity on writing. I wasn't expecting anything extraordinary. I've invoked Thoth, the ancient Egyptian god of writing and magic, for years and all it had done was inspire the qualities of the deity to manifest in me.

See, I'm not "worshipping" this god. I am not violating the second commandment here. The God of Israel is the One True God of the Universe. Pagan deities and "spirits" simply represent forces of nature or abstract concepts. Calling them forth can have all sorts of effects, good or bad depending on one’s objectives.

Occultists for centuries have understood Thoth as benign god. He was not worshipped with human or animal sacrifices. And he does not embody nature. He, similar to the God of Israel, is transcendent, just a symbol of positive human creations like writing, music, math, art, peacemaking, science, and magick. So if you call on him, it's not like some demon is going to possess you. He’s merely happy to aid you with these tasks.

Or you may end up with what showed up for me and continues to hang out in the apartment: a tall, ibis-headed creature who for some reason perpetually laughs at me, my questions, and, really, whatever is going on.

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I didn't at all expect Thoth to be a god of humor too, but he claims he invented the idea of the joke and that anytime someone laughs they invoke him. He always looks so serious in those wall carvings surrounded by hieroglyphs, something I asked him to explain.

"Come on, head of a bird like this? You know it's fuckin' hilarious. Why would I pick this thing if I wanted to be taken seriously?" he answered.

“I suppose that makes sense,” I said before grabbing a bottle of pills for the afternoon medication.

"And by the way, you're welcome," he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Those pills that keep you from going fuckin' crazy, I invented those."

"You are responsible for coming up with the formula for my prescription?"

"Not just those pills, but all medicine. You're welcome. You all need to show a bit more fuckin' gratitude about this, but I understand. I know you all had to develop this stuff in secret with my help."

He claims credit for all of math and science too. So as we’re typing away on our computers and flicking through junk our smart phones? That’s him too.

It's not just that he's the patron deity of these subjects like we generally understand gods to be. He says that he made them up and that anytime humans do them, they're also invoking him.

"You can't take credit for everything good!" I said, getting frustrated as he kept doing this over and over again and laughing about it.

"I most certainly can and will. Take this election for example. It's going to be fuckin' hilarious and again, you all are going to need to thank me for it."

This didn't bode well yesterday, but I'd already come to accept a second Trump presidency.

"And who do you think gave you that prophecy, now?" he said in my head.

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So here we are the next day, and this bird-headed god is just cracking up seemingly endlessly as I sit and type this silly piece.

"You know, a lot of people are really upset by this and would get mad at you if they found out that you were really behind manipulating the vote here just to entertain yourself," I said.

He answered between cackles, "they'll be even angrier when they learn that I pick all the candidates who win! Their votes mean nothing!"

This is another one of those types of things he's been saying for days when I can't tell if he's just joking to mess with me or actually being serious.

It's probably both at the same time, like this article.

"So, do people need to be worried about what will happen?" I ask just now.

"They can if it will make them feel better."

See? He thinks he is so funny.

"Well, aren't some terrible things going to happen because of him?"

"Absolutely. And they're going to be fuckin' hilarious."

I just sit and blink for a moment to try and contemplate this new putrid paradox from an unapologetic figment of my imagination.

"Daddy, how much longer is this bird person going to stay with us?" puppy Jasmine asks. I usually can't hear her like Sally can, but perhaps this time her words did come through because Thoth wanted to tease me.

"Exactly right!" he declares, proud of himself as I realize that he is also taking credit for the dog-to-humans telepathy that Sally has mastered and that I am just starting to learn. Apparently all language and communication of any sort is him, which is apparently one of the reason it’s so hard to understand each other.

"I'm sorry, girl. I'm not sure he's ever going to leave, kind of like Trump."

Thoth grins that giant beak, looks me in the eye, then shifts to a serious expression which I've come to recognize as when he's about to drop his wisdom like an apple falling from the tree.

"Some fuckin' reality TV star is not going to destroy my fuckin' country that you all built because I told you to do it. He's only funny because I want him to be. Americans, you must learn my wisdom. You must laugh at the absurdity, not just of what you think you have become, but what you have always been. This is the America I made. The most powerful country on the planet is also the most ridiculous. And I will continue to cackle at you all, my most entertaining creation. Are you ready to fuckin' get over yourselves and join me in the joke?"

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