A Pacifist's Solution to End the Horrors of War
But I'm not saying it won't still get messy.
I've been thinking a lot about war lately. The Israel-Hamas war, first and foremost, but really, war in general (no pun intended) and the question of its moral rightness or wrongness has invaded (pun intended) my brain recently.
Growing up Quaker, I identified as a pacifist for a long time. In my early 20s, however, I had a four-year relationship with an Iraqi translator and Fulbright fellow. During that time, I came to understand how much good the US military was doing in our controversial occupation of Iraq, and how much the Iraqi people appreciated our presence. It was then that I began to sense there was more nuance to the concept of war than my Quaker ideology had suggested.
Now, as I watch the lone, long-suffering Jewish state fight on two fronts - in Gaza and in the media - struggling to defend its own existence against terrorist group Hamas, there's no question in my mind that, despite the bloodshed and the butchery, some things are, indeed, worth fighting for.
Freedom, for instance. And the very right to exist.
And yet many godly persons have lost sleep over the conundrum of whether we humans have the right to end the lives of others - strangers to us, who have never harmed us - in war. After all, the killing required in war isn't quite self-defense if no specific, individual enemy poses a direct threat to us personally.
So, after lots of stewing and mulling, I've created not a festive holiday wine, but a conclusion: There is a better way to conduct combat. I've determined that I fully support any righteous war carried out solely via weapons of Silly String and aluminum-foil pans of whipped cream.
Pragmatic people must face it: when independent and sovereign nations find themselves with urgent but opposing needs and goals, sometimes negotiations just don't do the job. Stakes are too high; talks are too tense. It is natural that the conflict should threaten to devolve into the physical.
But there's hope! We can sidestep all the carnage, the grisly death, and the nightmares and still settle our international squabbles the old-fashioned way. To that end, I recommend that all governments and militaries worldwide stockpile and arm themselves solely with a supply of Silly String canisters and those cheap little foil pie pans you can get at the dollar store, which are to be filled with the most devastatingly silky canned whipped creams on the market.
These gag groaners and slapstick staples doubtless constitute an appropriately sober medium with which to carry out the existential aims of war. Here is the proper protocol for the conducting of war going forward:
Each country should choose a color of Silly String depicted in their flag or national emblems. It's true that they may have to settle for a lurid neon shade, but that is to be overlooked. Pie plates and whipped cream need not be color-coded, but countries with overinflated military budgets may find it prudent to develop proprietary methods of tinting their whipped cream with food coloring, so that it matches the Silly String.
New military recruits should continue to be actively sought. Once signed on, soldiers should be rigorously trained to achieve mastery in deploying their Silly String and whipped cream-filled pie pans from land, sea, air, and even space, as their specific military branches require. Aim will continue to be a crucial skill, but range and angle must not be overlooked. Endurance and reloading will also prove crucial.
When war is declared, opposing armies should meet on the designated battlefield at precisely 10 AM, so that everyone has time to get plenty of rest and have a nice breakfast and some coffee, and maybe even run to the post office or dry cleaner beforehand, if they need to. War is to be conducted through 3 PM, and 15-minute breaks will be taken every hour, on the hour. After all, it's important to stay hydrated in combat.
This five-hour interval of war is to be conducted with weapons of Silly String only. Soldiers are to wear white uniforms for this portion of combat, so that it's very clear who has been hit (and because the heat of the day will really ramp up during this time). When the opposing army's canned stream of vaguely plastic-scented colored foam makes contact with any portion of a soldier's uniform, he is immediately "out." He must move to the sidelines with the rest of his troops and man the refreshment table for the hourly breaks.
At the top of every break, those who are "out" will be tallied, and the war's scoreboard updated accordingly. At 3 PM, the battle will stop and, once everyone has had a good snack of Fig Newtons and fruit punch, all fighters will pivot to a 15-minute “aluminum-foil pie pan and whipped cream” round between all soldiers left standing. For this portion of combat, black uniforms should be worn as a courtesy to poorer countries' armies, who may not have the resources required to render their whipped-cream ordnance any color but the traditional off-white.
A soldier may be hit in the body five times or square in the kisser once before he is "out." At that time, he must quickly and without fuss excuse himself from the battlefield. At the end of this lightning round, the side with the most men left standing is declared the entire day's winner. Following this declaration, both sides will dispose of any remaining whipped cream onsite by indulging in a camaraderie-boosting feast of the host country's most delectable pies.
The following day, yesterday's winning army will earn a 30-second advantage over their opponent, wherein they are allowed to attack their unarmed enemy.
All wars are to last for precisely seven days. The winner will be declared at the end of this time, based on high number of daily wins.
Simple! Easy as … well. You know!
Think how much healthier this combat system will be than our current modus operandi! More soldiers will go home to their families, and very few will return with crippling cases of C-PTSD or life-altering injuries. It's true that the index fingers and throwing arms of our forces may suffer cramping, from pinning down the aerosol tops of Silly String cans for hours at a time, or from extended pie-throwing. But this seems a small price to pay for fewer civilian casualties and wanton destruction, not to mention those pesky old haunting moral dilemmas.
And just imagine what this approach will do for innovation within the field of pie! New peace-brokering recipes will be popping up all the time.
Personally, I recommend Hoosier cream.
During the Vietnam war, Dow Chemical manufactured napalm that was dropped on Vietnamese and their villages. I suggested that instead of dropping napalm, the US should be dropping huge sheets of Saran Wrap, also manufactured by Dow. That way the enemy combatants would become incapacitated by the Saran Wrap and the US could capture and hold them instead of killing large numbers of Vietnamese. And Dow would still earn profits.
I know this is a joke, however various societies at certain points have developed pseudo-war events to settle things.
One could argue that the era of European Warfare where people lined up far away and shot single bullet muskets at each other until one side dispersed was kind of like this.
China and India have mutually agreed to beat each other with sticks instead of shooting each other on the India/China border.
African tribes in Southern Africa in pre-colonial times would line up and throw spears just out of throwing range, the side that clearly had less spears and men would retreat, agreeing to cede territory. That is until the Zulus just decided to take drugs and hack people to bits with close range weapons.
Your idea is not actually half bad if everyone agrees. "War" can be anything, it can be performative. The issue is that when someone gets tired of the status quo they break the established rules and take a no-holds-bar approach. Then you have one side negotiating silly string rules with an international body the aggressor doesn't abide by and eventually both sides have to abandon silly string all together as a weapon of war or face an actual existential threat.
I could see a future where remote control drones fought other remote controlled drones in some sort of futuristic war and the outcome was about separating resources rather than depleting lives. I could see the world settling into that. It's not much different than silly string(if silly string was extremely expensive.) however someone at some point who doesn't have the time or money for a drone army will just break the rules and shock the world with some barbaric alternative combat method that actually involves death.