5 Ways to Beat the Heat I Bet You Haven't Tried
You just have to get a little bit creative ...
The 2024 presidential election festivities have certainly started early this campaign cycle, but that’s not the only reason for all the hot air blowing around here lately.
It’s been horrifically hot for much of the country! Two weeks ago, Earth began to experience its hottest days in 125,000 years. Last week, more than 110 million Americans were stuck sweating through triple-digit temps. And this week, almost 60 million Americans are still feeling rather warm under the 100°+ heat. Such heat waves - attributable to high-pressure systems called heat domes - have resulted in record temperatures across the country. More concerningly, though, they’re causing record numbers of consecutive days at those high temps: Phoenix, AZ has now shattered its record for most consecutive days above 110° - it’s officially been 20 days, a record established in 1974. Tulsa, OK hit a new high of 105°, and Casper, WY hit a record high of 101°.
And - not that we’re keeping score - when I went swimming on Monday in Twentynine Palms, CA, it was 112°. A few hours away, in Death Valley, tourists are flocking in to witness the hottest place in the world reach its own record highs.
I’m sorry - this is ridiculous. And dangerous. And scary! But mostly it’s just, well, miserable.
So what’s a sweaty, half-heat-stricken person to do? You can wear cooling fabrics in light colors and stay hydrated all you want, but at some point, the hottest temps in over 100,000 years may get to you anyway. Try these GotD-approved tips for keeping your cool, even under a heat dome. From easiest to trickiest to pull off:
1.) Try walking around snarling and screaming, “It’s summer! It’s supposed to be hot!”
Ah, yes - the reassurance of the way things are supposed to be. For example, you may have a car accident, only to find that your car insurance policy has accidentally lapsed. If that happens, it’s always comforting to remind yourself that the policy was supposed to be in effect. It definitely makes a difference in how you experience the reality of the situation.
It's just like how, when you trip over your own feet and come crashing down right on your kneecap, it’s a big help to remind yourself, even as you lie on the ground, shrieking and howling, that this is how your body is supposed to feel in a situation like this - that this is how the body is designed to feel pain. Just like magic, the problem's gone! Nope, nothing to see here.
Sure! It may suck, but at least it’s supposed to suck? That line of reasoning might leave you cold - but that counts, right? And remember, this argument is always a great and welcome morale booster to those around you.
2.) Get so sunburned that you’re just always cold
This one’s almost as easy as our first suggestion. All you need to do is go outside and sit. Yes, it’s very hot, and yes, this will quickly prove to be a misery. But if you play your cards right, you can sit outside reading, listening to your favorite podcast, or even napping for just an hour or two and return inside as red as a lobster. As your skin crackles and sizzles, hot to the touch, you’ll notice that actually, you’re a little bit chilly. In fact, you’re cold. Amazing!
Though you won’t be able to move much, and you’ll significantly up your skin-cancer risk, I’m confident you’ll find that it’s worth it for the blissful, almost uncomfortable feeling of cool. An added bonus? You can repeat the process every few days!
3.) Take a standalone air conditioner with you wherever you go
I don't mean some puny little unit the size of a bread maker. And there's only so much a standard window unit can do for you. My father always used to say that anything worth doing is worth doing to excess. Wise words, especially when it comes to staying cool! That's why you need this sucker.
Making this solution work for you won’t be easy, but it will be effective. Rated to effectively cool a space of up to 2500 square feet, this sucker is twice as big as a fridge and twice as cold. For just $3,045 - not including the cost of a much, much larger vehicle and an oversized dolly - this guy can be your new best friend. Whether you're at the bank, the library, out in your yard, or trying to get some sleep on a stuffy summer night, the Cool Boss can be stationed by your side, blasting a refreshing stream of cool air that you can't ignore.
Switch it on, and - poof! What heat dome? Just remember to keep a close eye on small children and pets, lest they be blown away.
4.) Battle a polar bear for valuable real estate on an Arctic ice floe
If cool air isn't enough for you, if you need downright cold, you may need to take bolder action and move to the one of the chilliest climates on Earth. Just hop a quick ride to the top of the globe and find an ice patch to call your own. A pup tent and a nice blanket should allow you some privacy and comfort as you cool off in record time.
And hey, don't mind the neighbors! Sure, they may fight you for the likeliest-looking slab of ice - after all, polar bears do use these patches of ice to float around and hunt seals from. And, yes, there's less ice up there than ever before in the time since Christ, drastically shrinking the polar bears’ livable area. But they’re apex predators! They'll figure it out.
5.) Cryogenically freeze yourself
If you’ve already tried shouting about how summer is meant to be a hot season, burning yourself too badly to perceive the heat, lugging an air conditioner the size of the Titan submersible around with you, and spending entire days lounging on a floating island of ice, and you’re still not cooled off, there’s only one thing to do.
You’ll simply have to get some mad scientist to cryogenically freeze you. Not only will you luxuriate in the soothing cool of the freezing process until you lose consciousness, you can opt to be thawed out only after it’s been below, say, 75 for three weeks in a row. Then again, you might want to wait until this whole stupid election cycle is over, the entire demented jailhouse campaign of Donald Trump blissfully blocked out.
Of course, if you do that, and he wins, you might just find that the world is even hotter when you come back. Hmm. Something to think about!
Stay cool out there, everyone!
I've done the sunburn trick; the resulting snake look undermined the effects.