5 Christmas Traditions to Throw Into the Open Fire, Along With Those Nasty Chestnuts

Let your celebrations evolve, folks! It's what the Baby Jesus would want.

You've probably noticed, as I have, that we humans love our traditions. We cling to many of them well past the time when it stopped making sense to do so, and Christmas is no exception.

Actually, Christmas might be the time when our species’ determination to hew to “the way we've always done it!" is at its worst.

If you enjoy it, it's fine - and fun! - to keep putting up a tree, decorating it with tiny little baubles that cost $20 each, festooning the outside of your home with enough lights for a small Victorian village, buying often-extravagant gifts for your family and friends, squeezing yourself into your fanciest duds for endless parties, and spending days or even weeks creating an elaborate meal to share with your loved ones, all for the sake of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, marking the end of another rough year, or just injecting some joy into the dark of winter.

Those traditions - the tree, the meal, the presents - often remind us of our childhoods and the beloved relatives whom we saw for the last time long ago. For me, these thoughts even put me in mind of my own place in the ceaseless march of time and history.

But frankly, other traditions we rely on absolutely stink.

The memory of our days as little children, the pets of the family, whom the Christmas celebrations were chiefly aimed at, seems to bring out an otherwise-absent petulant stubborn irritability, even in the best of us. We act - or maybe even honestly feel - like we'd rather cancel Christmas altogether than change anything.

The ham must be served on Great-Aunt Ida’s silver platter, even though it weighs a ton and can hardly be carried from the kitchen to the dining room. The person passing out the gifts must wear a certain hat, even if a festive headband is already part of her outfit. Children have to sit at the kids’ table, even if they're in college now. The tree must feature the ornaments that Great-Great-Grandpa Heinrich brought with him from Germany when he came to America, although the theme of the tree could stand to be updated once every 125 years or so. And Aunt Suzie absolutely has to bring her famous green bean-Campbell’s-soup creation, even if it's only famous for its remarkable similarity to something produced by a sick cat.

“What are you talking about?” the organizer of the event will gasp, horrified, when some brave soul suggests a slight deviation this year, just to see how it goes. “But it's tradition! That's the way we've always done it!”

Oh, but your family doesn't do any of those things? Your family goes with the flow?

Well, I'm proud of you! But here are some other “traditions" I bet your family does engage in at least one of, and they're worth rethinking.

Okay - I think they're worth doing away with entirely:

1.) Taking matchy-matchy family photos

You know what I mean here. Everyone's wearing red or white Buffalo plaid, trendy jeans, and boots. You're outside, probably standing before your front door or maybe in the snow, smiling as a filter is lightly applied. Or else you're in matching PJs, posed adorably by your tree - with a different filter for indoor light. Look at my perfect family! you’ll say when you post the pictures online - or, God forbid, print them out and mail them to people as Christmas cards.

What's wrong with that?

First of all, the only one who enjoys this is Mom. Everyone else is miserable: The baby has a poopy diaper, the bigger kids won't sit still, the dog smells something intriguing and has to be leashed, the leash then secured firmly under Dad’s work boot - and, speaking of Dad, Dad will never wear this stupid outfit again, even if it's very much like every single one of his other outfits.

Second, ummm - you guys all look exactly like everyone else! These pictures are going to look very dated in a rather short amount of time (no, the style you selected is not “timeless," I can almost promise you.) Take some interesting pictures for a change! Let your family members dress as themselves!

And last, while you do, in a certain way, look very nice, these pictures aren't fooling anyone. We know your family isn't perfect. In fact, we wonder if you know that.

2.) Making everyone sit and watch everyone unwrap one present at a time

Perhaps when you invite everyone to a Christmas gathering, you are not, in fact, hosting a holiday celebration, but are instead acting out a tableau vivant of a Norman Rockwell magazine cover. I'd have to assume so, because an oil painting is what you get when you have one person select one gift, open it to reveal the little book or candle, make everyone smile and nod approvingly, and then have the next person do the same - on and on and on, around the circle five or 12 or 18 times until everyone has opened their presents.

Look, your 13-year-old niece does not care that her uncle has just opened a pair of copper-infused socks. Similarly, Grandpa does not know or care about the five-year-old’s new Beyblade.

People have to go to the bathroom! Or they have to go have a smoke! They're trying to stay awake! And don't you have food getting cold? For the love of God, just let people rip into their gifts and dispense with this portion of the proceedings before it's suddenly next Christmas.

3.) Giving people a hard time if they want to opt out of one activity

Does your athletic family have a habit of taking a brisk Christmas-morning walk? Are you a musical lot, taking turns around the piano, banging out Christmas carols as the rest of you sing along? How about a Christmas Day beach trip, or a mass excursion to the movie theatre for the latest holiday-themed PG offering? Does your celebration feature mandatory games?

Well, I have some shocking news for you; I do hope it won't be too upsetting. Hang onto your Santa hat: Some of your relatives do not care for these activities.

Unthinkable! But it's true: Some would rather stay home or snuggle up in a corner and let their meals digest, catch a nap, enjoy some lower-key time, or even check out their gifts! Did someone just open a book? If it was a good gift for them, chances are they'd rather read for a little while than go out.

Or they're tired. Or they're overstimulated. Or they’re going to have a panic attack. Or their blood sugar is being weird. Or they have never understood card games and don't think today is going to make history.

Or they're just not good at skiing or ice skating or bowling, and they don't want to be the one doofus who ends up on their ass while everyone else whizzes gleefully down the mountain or pirouettes or gets an effortless strike like they've been doing it since they were two years old.

So do not be a cruise-line activities director. If someone politely tells you they're going to take a pass on this, if you don't mind, then don't mind, whatever “this" might be. Also do not loudly pout and protest, hoping to attract the attention of others nearby who will overhear and join you in layering on the guilt. Just smile and say you'll see them in a bit!

And this goes triple - quadruple, even - if one of the people who'd rather sit something out is your relative's new boyfriend or girlfriend.

Don't let them go home with the idea that marrying into your family would be a big mistake.

4.) Pretending everyone gets along great when they don't

Now, here's one that affects more of us than we'd like to admit: We don't all have Hallmark families.

But that's as it should be. The Hallmark Channel is a consumer confection. It's not real life.

Real-life relationships are messy. Perhaps the US political climate has created a veritable San Andreas Fault running right through your family, dividing people into categories of blue and red; left or right. If so, yours wouldn't be the first, and it won't be the last.

Or maybe it's something much more ordinary. Perhaps someone's going through a rocky divorce, or maybe two siblings aren't speaking. Maybe a group of people hate their sibling's spouse, or maybe one childless niece envies her cousin for her adorable brood of little ones. It could also be that your sister swoops back into town from abroad for the holidays, and you feel she sucks up everyone's attention while avoiding the day-to-day work that goes into maintaining a familial bond.

Or maybe your granddaughter married into a different socioeconomic stratum and now it's weird, or maybe your uncle has never fully forgiven his mom - your grandma - for something that happened in 1983.

Something like this is simmering in the background of most family dynamics. But unless we’re talking about a case of abuse or bigotry, it doesn't mean you can't all get together. People are allowed to ignore each other!

So don't take it upon yourself to force a reconciliation, as I did one holiday to disastrous effect! Don't seat two people next to each other if they aren't getting along. Don't ask them if they've brought a present for someone they're not cool with right now - and if you must ask, certainly don't reproach them if the answer is “Of course not.” Don't have them work together to take dessert and drink orders or to set the table. And for the love of God, don't sit them down separately, tell them this is silly, and ask that they make peace.

“But it's Christmas!" you might exclaim with dismay. “I love Charlie and I love Inez - I can't bear to see them at odds with each other on Christmas!"

Well, they're probably not at odds. If they're mature adults, they're probably just not interacting with each other - and that's OK. And anyway, Christmas will come around again next year. Maybe things will be different by then or maybe they won't be, but don't take a day that's already emotionally charged and then dial it up to 12. I guarantee this will only leave things worse than they were before.

5.) Getting absolutely shitfaced

I know - what a buzzkill! But seriously: just don't.

Your loved ones have either traveled a long way to see you or have something different (and potentially more fun) they could be doing with this time. Hell, the same might be said of you, yourself! So you're going to get rip-roaring drunk and either be an ass for the entire time or black out and miss it entirely? Pfffft.

Having some special spirits to celebrate the season is fine. But take it moderately, especially if you're traveling or hosting: there's almost nothing worse than nursing a hangover when you don't have the comforts of home - or when you're hosting visitors in your comfortable home!

But there's another reason to take it easy, too. If your family includes children, do your part not to demonstrate to them that celebrating Christmas - celebrating anything - necessitates consuming alcohol. You know those little eyes are watching everything the grown-ups do, and you certainly don't want to show up in someone's backstory later on in a 12-step group.

So yes to some mulled cider, eggnog, special wine - even champagne! But not too much. Christmas with the family is no time to plow through an entire case. And if you can't get through the whole song and dance without bolstering yourself via a steady booze IV, then there's one more tradition I suggest you break: don't go.

So! Take fun pictures, not fake pictures. Don't make unwrapping presents a stilted piece of audience-participation performance art. Let people take a pass on activities they are too polite to tell you they find obnoxious. Don't force together people who aren't getting along, and keep your alcohol intake low if there are kids around or someone has taken great pains to see you this holiday.

But most of all, create your own cool holiday traditions that are right for right now - and in 50 years, if someone has a new idea, don't tell them it's always been this way.

You'll know full well that it hasn't.