12 Ridiculous Knee-Jerk Reactions I Had to Dave's Ketamine Preparation Regimen

I'd rather laugh at these requirements than be intimidated by them.

Photo by Anna Pelzer on Unsplash

Treatment dates for David's ketamine therapy are about a week and a half away! To prepare, we were given a sheet of guidelines to follow in advance of and during the course of his infusions. Since we live in such close quarters - I mean, since we love each other so much - what he does, I (am going to try to) do, too! Yep, I'm making all these changes, too - just as soon as I get my attitude straightened out:

1.) Eat a whole-food, plant-based diet.

Ehhhn. I've been a vegetarian since I was two - we've got this! We'll eat produce, of course, and we'll get protein from delicious foods like Greek yogurt, eggs, hard cheeses - Wait, what? "Plant-based" means fully VEGAN??! Aww, shee-yit ...

2.) Eat organic fruits and vegetables and avoid the "dirty dozen" - produce treated with heavy pesticides. 

OK, but you're saying this to an adult man who still doesn't rinse his produce before eating it. Ever. I assume that, by now, pesticides are actually all that's keeping him from being destroyed by Japanese beetles. 

Also - Yesterday, I watched this human, whom I love, open a gallon bag of spinach and eat handfuls of it straight from the packaging. Like they were chips. Now I'm traumatized myself. 

3.) Avoid violent and dark art and pornography; replace with spiritual texts, poetry, and inspirational art.

But then whose problems am I supposed to focus on? My own?! 

4.) Meditate daily, sitting still for 3-20 minutes.

Ah yes, timing is everything when it comes to meditation: two minutes isn't enough; 21 minutes is too much.

5.) Exercise daily, which could include light walking or yoga.

Hmph. He can lightly walk or do yoga all he wants. It's a thousand degrees out here and the furthest I'm walking is to the car and back.

6.) Keep a daily journal featuring unedited thoughts.

Hoo boy. Dave has thirty-some journals that cover every stage of his life, going back to childhood. They're all shapes and sizes, though most could be fairly characterized as "large," and, when grouped together, they merit their own ZIP code. I'd hate to think those were his edited, condensed thoughts!

7.) Reduce caffeine, switching to decaf coffee or green tea.

Surprise - this one, I'm here for! Team Decaf, baby! Fun fact - I have not intentionally consumed caffeinated beverages since 2009, when my coffee-and-diet-Coke addiction landed me in the ER with heart palpitations. I cut it loose! And I don't miss it, either - at least, I didn't miss it until this summer, when my soda fiend of a fiancé convinced me to try every variation of his beloved Mountain Dew that he could find. We're talking Flamin' Hot, Major Melon, Mango Gem, Raspberry Spark - the hardest stuff the streets have to offer. Even drinking just half a can a day, it wasn't long before those heart palpitations came galloping back. 

So, caffeine? It's a no from me, dawg. And I think avoiding it will help Dave, too. 

8.) Reduce tobacco, alcohol, and marijuana.

Whoa, Nellie! Let's not make any hasty decisions, here!

I kid - most of this is fine. I don't drink, ever. I can take weed or leave it. But me trying to quit smoking at this super-stressy time would be devastating, punishing, even harrowing. And that's just for Dave, who's trapped in an RV with me. 

9.) Drink lots of water.

Another one I'm down with! Ice water is #KingofBeverages. It's a simple fact. (And yes, I'm trying to make that hashtag a thing! Feel free to help me.) It's delicious. It's perfect. It's the ultimate in refreshment - King of Beverages! Goodbye, Mountain Dew, Cactus Cooler, grape juice, Gatorade, that weird thing of pineapple juice I thought would be sweet but instead tasted like a dusty sock: we are never, ever getting back together. 

Well. We might. We probably will! But not for awhile, and, anyway, ice water will always be number one!

10.) Cut down on screen time, especially news and social media. 

Oh! Gee! You mean I can't spend any more tortured hours doomscrolling through the latest political shenaniganry and climate aberration, monitoring who's squawking and whining about it, and becoming ever more depressed and hopeless about the state of our country or even the world in general? No? Well, them's the breaks, I guess! *skips off, whistling happily*

11.) Increase time with friends and family who are a positive influence.

Hear that, everybody? You've got to be a POSITIVE INFLUENCE or we will talk to you in mid-to-late September! No whining about "Isn't ketamine a street drug?" or "Why doesn't he just try essential oils/acupuncture/bloodletting/ear candling/manatee therapy? It worked for my best friend's grandma's post man's Secret Santa!" Oh, hush. No one needs those vibes! Especially not someone who's supposed to be reducing her smoking.

12.) Spend more time in nature and appreciating the outdoors. 

We live in an RV in a remote area of the desert. I'm sorry, but right now, during the muggiest, most miserable part of the year, my twin goals each and every day are to spend *less* time in nature and more time appreciating the *indoors.* 

In the last 24 hours, I have had an alligator lizard up my leg, a beetle in my hair, a fly in my mouth, and a moth in my bra. Never mind the sand in my shoes, in my hair, in the bed ... The desert is beautiful and restorative, but right now, I'll be appreciating it from the air-conditioned windows of the RV or our cars, if it's all the same to you, ketamine protocol sheet. Thanks.

~

Please note that this post constitutes an attempt to find humor in a very trying situation. I support Dave with all my heart and will make sure to act accordingly. 

Be gentle with yourselves,

Sally Shideler
God of the Desert Books, President, Managing Editor, Marketing Director