10 Universally Relatable Inconveniences You Can Expect When Your Partner is Hospitalized

These absolutely apply to everyone! They're definitely not specific things that happened to me.

Me, abashedly: "My name is Sally, and I make jokes when I'm stressed or upset."

Crowd, dutifully: "Hi, Sally."

~

10.) You will have to feed the dog her Beggin' Strips and Greenies all by yourself. Oh, Lord. They’re disgusting! You're a lifelong vegetarian, you see, and you will not care whether Beggin’ Strips contain actual bacon or not. They sure smell like they do, and that will make them absolutely revolting to you - you normally refuse to touch them, even for a second. You will wonder, in a flight of lunacy, whether you could actually hire someone to come over and do this for you. It's the gig economy, right? … Right?

9.) You will fall asleep on your front porch and wake up to a giant sphinx moth down your shirt. It will be as big as a hummingbird. You will jump to your feet as if electrically shocked, flailing and screeching and knocking things over, kicking away chairs, throwing books, until you hear the poor creature buzz away. Your partner would never have let this happen (you destroying the porch, that is).

8.) You will have to plunge the toilet. At that moment, you will suddenly understand just how much absence does make the heart grow fonder.

7.) You will run out of edibles. Unfortunately for you, your partner is the one who knows all the things about edibles and buying edibles. This was a stupid system, you will realize: due to the stress of the situation, you need edibles more than ever right now! But you, a pitiful person - a non-adult, really - do not even know which store your favorite kind comes from. You have no idea what city the store might be in! You'll screw up your courage and go out looking, but the salespeople will see you coming a mile away.

6.) For the first time in your life, you will suspect, but be unable to confirm, that there is something in your eye. You will ask your dog to take a look, but she won't be much help.

5.) Your partner's car will unexpectedly break down while you're driving it. Of course, you will be out of town when this happens. Utterly overtaken by panic, you will immediately ease the ailing vehicle to a gentle stop along the shoulder of the road, but unfortunately, you live in a tourist area. It will come to your attention that you have stopped the car approximately eight feet in front of a gigantic landmark sign that serves as a well-known photo backdrop. The occupants of other cars will expect you to get out, take your picture, and drive off again so that they can approach. But you will simply sit there for 45 minutes, waiting on the tow truck, blocking the view and ruining the vacation pictures of countless families. You will be flipped off by surly teens, yelled at by Karens, and, notably, called a “poopy-head” by a disappointed three-year-old.

Then, when the tow truck driver calls to confirm your location, you will be so rattled that you'll suddenly find you’ve forgotten the year, make, model, and even the color of the very car you are sitting in right then. It will not occur to you to simply get out of the car and read what's written on the back.

Incredibly, when your partner calls you later that evening and you will tell him the whole sorry tale, he will say nonchalantly, “Oh, yeah; I had a feeling that might happen.” He will refuse to elaborate. On the plus side, this will actually provide a rare moment of relief that your partner is currently hospitalized.

4.) You will be required to get into your partner's laptop. It will be a MacBook. You will be utterly helpless.

3.) You will leave a window open and a pop-up storm will cause it to rain into your living room. It will make a huge mess. Much like with the toilet, you'll wish there was someone else here who could clean this up, instead of you. But there will be no one.

2.) You will realize that you’re becoming harried, managing communication between your partner, his care team, his family, your family, and friends and work contacts. But you won't realize just how much you need to slow down until you realize you've just sent a four-paragraph text to one of your partner's doctors, informing him of what he, himself, just told you.

1.) Suddenly, everything you see, hear, or read is something you must inform your partner of immediately. He urgently needs to know that a rapper who was popular when we were 10 has passed away. He has to be notified immediately that one of your own favorite shows, which he's never watched, will now get its six seasons and a movie. He must be going nuts, not being told right away that a fast-food chain you sometimes go to has a new flavor of milkshake he might like.

This will frustrate you intensely because, while you can call him anytime and he can call you, too, you really ought to let him focus on healing. You will realize, though, that the fact that your partner is the first person you want to talk to when anything happens is proof of just how much you love him. Even though that reminder makes you a little sad, since you miss him so much and hate it that he's sick, you will feel incredibly lucky to get to experience loving someone this much.

Be gentle with yourselves,

Sally Shideler

Managing Editor, God of the Desert Books

Chief Editor-in-Chief Wrangler