10 Commandments for a Thanksgiving No One Dreads
The holidays aren't so jolly for some of us. Let's do what we can to fix that.
It has come a little early this year, but for American readers, one of the country’s signature holidays is just days away.
In millions of homes from Portland to the other Portland, turkeys are being hastily thawed, good china is being washed, and frantic wives are wiping down their barely-exposed baseboards and their bathroom doors that collect fingerprint marks. (Husbands, it should be noted, do not care about these things. And yet, their species appears to be flourishing! Perhaps this phenomenon calls for some research funding.)
Then there are the fall-leaf candle holders to set out, the little Pilgrim figurines to array lovingly - the matching Indians having recently been deemed distasteful - and the decorative gourd-scapes to be designed and arranged on every folding card table mustered into service from the garage.
Even more of us are gearing up for travel. There are tickets to find, cars to vacuum and gas up, and Ziploc bags to fill with Cheerios. Perhaps there are casseroles or pies or batches of Great-Grandma Edna’s Famous Dinner Rolls to make, then pack up for Thursday's smorgasbord.
It's a lot! Maybe that's why so many of us forget that, for a lot of Americans, Thanksgiving - and the holidays in general - can be a painful, stressful time, with visits that are flat-out difficult.
After all, we don't all have Currier & Ives prints to slip seamlessly into. And even if it looks like we do, the feelings behind the glossy exterior can be very different than they appear. Yes, at your very own Thanksgiving - even your Friendsgiving - there are bound to be people having a harder time than they let on.
That's why I present the following 10 Commandments of Thanksgiving! These rules help us all do our best to make “spending time with family" the warm, comforting retreat we'd like it to be.
1.) Don't comment on anyone's body …
This one should be easy, but, for some reason, it's not. So your sister-in-law looks to have put on a few pounds? You say nothing! Your niece now has a blue Mohawk, and she used to look so pretty before? You say nothing! Nose piercing? Same thing: you say nothing. Someone's got a cast on their foot? If they don't bring it up, that means they're sick and tired of explaining how they tripped over their own shoe and somehow managed to fall up the stairs, and how long the resulting cast will be on. You say nothing!
Really, nobody wants to go home to face the Inquisition, especially about their appearance.
2.) … unless you know, for a fact, that they want positive feedback, which you are eager to give.
Did your brother-in-law post a picture of his new tattoo? You say, “Looks great!” Has your aunt been a keto evangelist ever since last spring? You say, “You look great!” Your fashion-forward cousin is sporting some absolutely fabulous new glasses? You guessed it: “Wow, you look great!" Did Grandma get a perm for the occasion? Your line is “Grandma, you look lovely!” And that's it, unless the other person chooses to start a conversation about it.
One more thing: do not assume that obvious weight loss should be complimented. Even if you think the person needed to lose weight, you don't know the whole story. Unless they say, “Hey, I’ve been sweating it out: how do I look?” - in which case, your answer is an automatic “You look great!” - don't mention it.
3.) Do keep alive the memory of family members who have passed on.
Losing a loved one is almost intolerably difficult. Really, it must be the hardest of life’s trials. And one of the saddest parts of learning to live in the "new normal” of loss is the "We Don't Talk About Bruno"-style avoidance of the person's memory. Some people seem to think that's better.
But sometimes, people can't look around the dinner table and pretend that Dad or Aunt Louise or Cousin Jason didn't sit there, too, for 25 or 45 or 70 years. Sometimes, the bereaved wonder how all the merriment and normalcy can continue, even without their precious person. Maybe one of your relatives feels that way! You don't want that, do you?
So don't shy away from saying, as you pass the deviled eggs, "I remember how much Uncle Jack loved these!” Or "Remember how Aunt Debbie used to sit here marking up all the Black Friday ads while everyone else was still having pie?” You can even say, "Gosh, it's been years, but it still doesn't feel quite right to get together without your dad, does it?"
It will mean more than you know.
4.) Don't comment on anyone else's food or drink choices.
This is related to not commenting on anyone's body, but it merits its own specific mention.
I guarantee that you - yes, you! - have family members who are privately dealing with dietary and health issues you aren't aware of. And you are not aware of them precisely because your relatives don't want to talk to you about them.
Someone in your family isn't drinking this year because they're on antibiotics. Someone else is abstaining because they've come to understand their drinking habits as problematic. And yes, someone else entirely is off alcohol because she's pregnant, but is not ready to announce it yet.
This is not your business.
Some relative of yours will ignore your wife's laboriously-crafted pie. It's not a snub - he just gets gassy when he eats nuts. Someone else is keeping it to side dishes this year. They're experimenting with vegetarian or vegan eating, and they don't yet wish to call a press conference about it. And several people will be eating brownies, even though they could stand to lose some weight. They know that! They just don't particularly care, at least not today.
This stuff is also not your business. No remarks, no jokes, and absolutely no unsolicited health advice. No one wants unsolicited health advice!
In fact, if that last point is news to you, I want you to read the rest of this piece really closely. You might be the relative everyone is dreading.
5.) Don't sit your younger relatives down to give you The Full Report.
Look. Many high schoolers don't know where they're going to college yet. They may not know what they're majoring in yet. College students don't necessarily know when they're going to graduate, or where, exactly, they hope to work. And even if they do have some idea, they certainly don't want to hear you retort, "And how're you going to get a job doing that?"
Similarly, young adults don't want to be quizzed on when they're going to buy a home, legally formalize a romantic relationship, or have a baby. These things may feel out of reach, or may not even be on their radar at all. And asking about these things feels like nagging.
If you want to talk with your distant or semi-distant grandkids, nieces, nephews, or other younger relatives, but can't find an inroad beyond, “How's school going?” or “How's the job hunt?” try this magic line:
“Oh, it's good to see you! How have you been? What are you into lately?”
6.) Do let people who need space take space.
Maybe you're in your element at Thanksgiving, playing the role of Cruise Activities Director. But why does Katie keep popping into a back bedroom when you're trying to round people up for Cards Against Humanity? Why do Jackszyn and Ainsleigh keep stepping outside for 5-minute intervals? Why does Dan keep going out to his car?
Okay, yes: maybe they're smoking. Or vaping. Or taking a hit off a joint. Could be. Is this the big case that will finally get you that promotion, Detective?
Alternatively, maybe they're testing their blood sugar - maybe you don't know they need to do that. Maybe they're overstimulated and need some quiet - maybe you don't know they're neurodivergent. Maybe they're waiting on an important call; maybe they just had a fight with their significant other on the way over here.
Maybe they've had something tough happen recently, and they're not ready to talk about it.
In any case, nobody wants the Thanksgiving Elf tracking them down when they clearly want privacy, wearing a light-up novelty headband and chirping, “And where do you think you’re sneaking off to? Come on, it's time for Holiday Trivia! Everyone has to play.”
Let people have their smoke, take their medicine, or have a quiet moment of privacy.
7.) Do keep identity politics off the table …
Notice I didn't say all politics are verboten! World events are bound to be discussed. And if your mayor has just been caught driving a station wagon naked, with a backseat full of chimpanzees, that's fair game, too. But you must say nothing prejudiced or hateful.
And I can't imagine that you ever would, reader of this Substack. This point is for friends or relatives who might need a reminder.
It's a safe bet that someone in your extended family is LGBTQ+. If they're not out, you wouldn't necessarily know. And it's an even safer bet that someone in your extended family cares about someone in the LGBTQ community. So consider a family get-together mixed company, and keep your remarks to yourself.
Your niece may be dating a Dreamer. Your brother's favorite coworker might be Iranian. Your cousin's new wife might be a Republican! (I jest, but really: you won't see me instigating debates with right-wing loved ones on Thanksgiving.) So no defamatory speech at all: no jokes; no stage-whispered asides. And definitely no full-throated accusations over the dinner table.
8.) … but if someone else engages in hate speech, speak up.
Look, Thanksgiving is not the time or place to face off with your Trump-loving uncle if you're not a fan of the multiply-indicted presidential frontrunner (unless he asks for your opinion). It's not the time or place to educate all living family members about the truth of the Israel-Hamas war (unless they ask for your take). There is still such a thing as an appropriate or inappropriate setting for these discussions, and I'd suggest humbly that most people would rather have pie for dessert than a political showdown.
But if you hear someone use hate speech you don't care for, don't let it slip by. As we noted above, we don't always know who's hearing us, even in family groups. Not letting a hateful comment pass unchallenged could mean an awful lot to someone close to you.
So your task is to counter hate speech without initiating a blow-up:
“That's a hateful thing to say.”
“Why would you use such a bigoted term?”
“I know you weren't raised to use that word.”
And, of course, if you're hosting, you get to pull out the Big Guns and say,
“I won't have that language used in my home.”
Oh, no one's ever called Great-Uncle Bert on his racist bullshit? Everyone's always given Aunt Linda’s homophobia a wide berth? It sounds like change is long overdue.
9.) Don't let your enjoyment of the holiday depend on precedent.
I'm continually astonished at the number of grown adult human beings who are reduced to trantrum-ing toddlers over a change to the holiday routine. You've always gotten together at Grandma's house, but this year, Thanksgiving will be at a restaurant? Well, hey: hosting is hard work! Grandma's not up for it this year. Don't take it personally! Your sister and her family are going to her husband's parents for the holiday this year? Think how nice that'll be for his folks! You know full well that they've spent Thanksgiving with your family every year since they got married.
Similar meltdowns are induced in otherwise reasonable people over using a non-traditional serving platter, watching different movies, or catering the whole meal. Guess what? Sometimes you just can't find the serving platter Grandma and Grandpa got for their wedding. Sometimes there's a new Christmas movie people want to watch! And sometimes - though I honestly can't imagine why - the women of the family simply can't stand the thought of one more hot, sweaty week in the kitchen, pulling together a spread of truly epic proportions that will be snarfed down within a single hour, all except, of course, the dishes they took the most delight in preparing and serving ̶t̶o̶ ̶a̶ ̶b̶u̶n̶c̶h̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶l̶a̶z̶y̶ ̶i̶n̶g̶r̶a̶t̶e̶s̶ to their adoring families.
What can I say: shit happens.
You know, don't you, that the key to survival is adaptation?
Holidays cannot continue forever as they were when you were a child. Think back to that time: do you suppose your grandparents were exactly recreating their own childhood experiences, as their own grandparents did for them, and on and on through the generations, forever? Or is it just possible that many of your family's traditions were once new?
You may, indeed, miss Grandma's signature stuffing that no one has been able to replicate satisfactorily. You may believe your sister doesn't decorate properly. You may resent that your brother-in-law brines the turkey, or you may just resent your conviction that, somehow, the holiday just doesn't seem as special as it did back in “the old days.”
In those moments, in order to be a Good Relative, you must resolve to deal with the spectre of your own mortality later. You must get off your ass and set yourself to making the holidays special for the others. Set some new traditions!
And you can get creative! In fact, you should. Suggest a post-dinner walk, or a drive to look at Christmas lights. Get a committee together to bring back peppermint mochas from three different coffee chains and evaluate them. See who wants to go to a movie or - hell - skip the soporific meal altogether, and make the whole day a volunteer opportunity!
The point is to spend valuable time together, not to recreate a Saturday Evening Post cover.
10.) Do be grateful.
“Thanksgiving" means so many things: Turkey. Sales. Shopping! Mom's house. Football. Carbs - glorious, fluffy, unhealthy carbs! Yeah, yeah. Thanksgiving should also mean celebrating gratitude.
You might be thinking, "What do I have to be grateful for?! My car sucks. My job sucks. My friends are all doing better than I am. And my housing payments could each purchase a small used car that would be in better shape than the one I'm underwater on!”
Ehhn: that's life. I bet you have something to be grateful for. Your romantic relationship? Your relationship with your parents or siblings or pets? No?
Well, how about your intelligence, your compassion, your sense of humor? Thank God you have those. Are you thankful for your resilience, even if you wish it weren't tested so often? What about your values, your goals, your guiding lights? Wherever would you be without those?
So often in life, we find evidence of what we expect to find. We find examples that support what we already think. Try adjusting your mind to the thought, “I'm lucky - I have a lot to be grateful for!” and I just bet you'll see, over and over again, how right you are.
Inappropriate assumptions/associations connected with hate speech.